I do not usually write in English.. I hate to do it for many reasons, one of them is that I'm terrible at it, and also I can better express my emotions in Spanish.. But I feel like writing in English this time, maybe is because if I do it in Spanish it'd hurt more.
Like other times, I have so long without writing in my blog, but this time wasn't because there was not much to say, this time was because my ex-boyfriend's laptop broke and I couldn't use it anymore. Thanks God and my mom I got one.
In this moment I feel like shit. Pardon my French, but is actually how I feel, I am so sad. Maybe u noticed that I wrote my ex-boyfriend, and that's the reason why.
Vegas by now are like always since I met it for the first time, that isn't long. 5 months ago I landed here and I soon realized that there's not much but casinos and paid sex. I can't deny that the strip is fabulous, all that lights and the crowd make it a really good place to go and walk, but not in high heels which isn't good at all. I have to confess that I hate this desert, I'd rather be in a green place surrounded by trees but anyway I am OK. After three beautiful months of absence I am here again, with my heart broken and tears that want to go out but I keep them inside because there is no worse thing that showing others how pathetic you are when you're sad, even worse when you're sad because someone dumb you. So, even when I just want to cry and tell to everyone how sad I am I'll control myself.
Those three months in Wisconsin weren't bad, actually they were quite well.
I just feel sorry that I noticed it right after was too late to change a decision that I have made already.
I regret that I was a bitch sometimes; after a super active and independent life is not easy to settle down be at home and be a good housewife, and naturally that abrupt change stressed me out and made me be someone who I never saw in myself.
Even with my craziness and all the crap I gave to my ex-boyfriend my time in WI was so good. It was a simple life. Going out with friends once in a while, cooking and cleaning once in a while, feeling sad at the mornings when he had to left me, being happy at nights when he came back. Isn't complicated at all. I am not quite sure if I miss that, what I'm sure about is that I miss him.
This is my second week in Vegas after that time. Now I'm back in school and keeping my mind busy, but trying to do not think of him is more than an impossible goal.
The more that I try it the more that I cannot do it. He's just sticked on my mind like gum in the hair but even worse, and quite more painful.
5 days ago, when we were still a happy couple, I tried to talk to him all afternoon. Missing him so bad it was really bad to don't get a text back from him or just get one once in a while. Pissed off I text him that I wanted to brake up with him, after a while and with some effort I fell asleep. Too bad that he called me at midnight and after saying a lot of stuffs, many of them non sense, he broke up with me and hang off. And that was it.
I said to myself that I'll be strong and do not call him or beg.. But naturally, I did. I feel so dumb about that. The day before yesterday I was getting to be strong, I decided to have some fun and went out with some friends, but he thought it was a good idea to text me saying that he misses me.
Not a good idea at all. I got weak again.
He's one of that guys that likes hard work and male stuffs, hunting, fishing, shooting and stuffs like that are his thing. not showing his feelings also is. He loves in his way being sweet in his own style which make him sexy, not to mention his masculinity that makes me melt like a chocolate in the roof on a summer day in vegas. He's goofy and funny and knows how to make people laugh.
There's many things I like of him, specially how he smells and his beautiful skin, his rose lips and his strong hands. His warm and hot body is quite good underblankets in the cold nights of WI, and kissing him when we just wake up isn't a torture, I always wondered myself what is his secret to don't have bad breath in the morning.
He's an awesome coocker and he likes to do it (which is more than perfect for me) and when he hugged me I felt like I was in heaven. Sex is more than great also. He's not the kind of guy who likes foreplay but he does it once in a while, and when it happened I just went to the paradise and spent a vacation on it.
What can I say? I'll use his own expression, which by the way I learned because of him: He's a catch.
But maybe I'm one of the few that think that.
That night I went out and it was so fun, I danced a lot and drank some, but next day wasn't that fun.
Yesterday I woke up and as usual he was the first thing on my mind. after two weeks I still thinking that I'm in his bed and is so weird to wake up to find out that I'm not. While the day was going I was trying to be strong and don't text him or call him, but that's too much to ask. As normal since he dumb me his answers were cold and apart. then we get into the kind of converstion that is typical from a soap opera whit all the drama and stuff, and after me giving reasons to be together and he taking them all out of the arc like in a soccer game, the final conclusion was that he won't be back with me. Not a suprising conclusion.
This days have been so easy to be down.
Today wasn't that bad because I did not call him until 2 pm, I think I achieve something. But this day was also not good, being pathetic was my duty today.
Like hte most reapeted cliche I just seat in front of my computer and after a while trying to keep my mind busy I couldn't bear more the temptation of checking his facebook, what by the way I do all the time. And then I did it, as if there was another possible outcome for my stupidity. To make it more pathetic I went for that chocolate that was in my purse and started watching his pictures and crying. Shame of me!
At the morning I had been in a math class, which made me happy because is better to feel stupid trying to understend math without success than feeling stupid about feeling sad for a guy who doesn't give a shit for me.
But the class finished and I had to go back to my pathetic mood.
Walking for 40 minutes isn't fun if the sun is burning you, but this is Vegas and there's no way to escape from the heat and the hot of the day, much more if it is noon.
After 5 minutes of crying-eating chocolate- being pathetic time I called him. Another dumb idea.
I talk to an iceberg on the other side of the line, and I had to hang off before my voice reaveled that I was dying inside. Like the cheapest soap opera there's a lot of drama. High school drama as he called some day. After a while I wondered where my chocolate was, I found the answer in a stein in the couch and in my pants, what made me worry in the begging and then made me laugh. At least there was something that made my time get a little better, so bad that the funny moment didn't last long.
So, here I am, being sad and writing about it, like it is going to make things to get better. I should better fall asleep and wake up when the pain is gone.. The questions is, When is it going to be?
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